Thursday, February 1, 2001
In an interview with NPR's Morning Edition yesterday, the individual most likely to become the next head of the Democratic National Party said some things that I found profoundly disturbing. His name is Terry McAuliffe , and he's been THE major fundraiser for the Democratic Party in recent years. In fact, that's pretty much all he does; get rich people to pony up dough for the party. In the interview, he claimed he got his first experience in fundraising when he was seven years old. His father, who was also a political fundraiser, sat him down to work the door at a benefit and said "now make sure nobody gets in the door without paying". In recalling this story McAuliffe chuckles and says he's taken that phrase with him ever since. Now I ask you, what could possibly be more detrimental to a democracy? Nobody gets through the door without paying. The very phrase screams out that our government is for sale. Money buys access and access means leverage and power. But those who can't afford to pay the admission price are left out in the cold. The image turns my stomach and fills me with rage. The system is stacked against the common citizen and rigged in favor of the moneyed elite. The New York Times ran an article on McAuliffe today. My dismay grows. He's described as full of "bluster and bravado" and calls himself "The Mack". The New York Times agrees that "The Mack" is a sure-bet to be the next head of the Democratic Party. He's a Clinton loyalist who helped raise funds for the Clinton's legal defense, the Clinton Presidential Library, and Hillary Clinton's campaign. He's never been paid for his fundraising duties, but (surprise, surprise) he does plenty of business with those wealthy individuals whom he has come into contact with through his fundraising. In the interview with NPR, he claimed "so what if I do business with people I've come into contact with through fundraising? If I meet someone who I like and I'd like to do business with, then I do. There's nothing wrong with that." And that's how business is done. And that's politics. And that's how it goes. The business of politics is business. Strike the match. Let's start the revolution. If they won't let us in the door, then let's burn the whole fucking place down.
Tuesday, February 6, 2001
Ah....there's nothing quite like rejection to get you back in touch with all of those old familiar demons of self-doubt. If you ask someone out, you're asking for a fall. And you know it. You prepare for it. I would suspect that everyone has a different way of mentally preparing themselves for asking someone out on a date. Here's how it usually plays out for me.
There's always that odd moment when you realize that you've developed a crush on someone. It always seems to surprise me. I never plan on such things, I just find myself thinking about this person a lot, or, suddenly realize I'm mesmerized by some aspect of this new crush's personality. In this particular instance (you know this has just happened to me, otherwise why else would I be writing about this now?) I was caught up in the person's smile. I just kept watching and waiting to see that smile. I couldn't get enough. I was hooked. Damn. I had a crush. The next step for me is to do everything in my power to deny the crush. I think of all sorts of reasons why I shouldn't feel anything for this person. I think of why it could never possibly work out. I also welcome those demons of self-loathing to the fore. They tell me things like "they couldn't possibly be interested in you", "you're too damn ugly (or fat or stupid or...insert your favorite neuroses here)". But the crush has it's hooks in me, so there's that "yeah, well...maybe they might be interested....maybe".
So I begin to think of all the possible signs that might indicate that this feeling I have could be mutual. Here's where I start overanalyzing every encounter, phrase and gesture. I squeeze them for some sort of tell-tale sign that my feelings may be reciprocated. And yeah, I stretch reason a bit during this stage. Like I said, I'm hooked, and by this point I'm looking for anything to set my hopes on. Anything, that might give me enough hope to overcome my fears and actually ask this person out on a date.
If I get to this point, I know I'm going to need some sort of resolution. I've learned from past experience that now is the time to act. If I don't ask them out pretty soon, I'll start to become fixated. I'm a good friend, and we'll start hanging out, and they'll think that I'm not interested in being anything more than a friend. But I am interested in something more than friendship, and I'm still analyzing each moment we share together. But as time passes I'll make a bigger and bigger deal out of this crush, and pretty soon I'll have a good idea whether or not this person likes me or not. And it's usually the case that they don't, otherwise I would have collected enough "signals" from the other person to encourage me to ask them out. But if I haven't gotten those signals, then I get too involved to ask them out, because (for some twisted and masochistic reason) I'd rather keep hoping against hope that something might develop between us, rather than risk the scathing disappointment of outright rejection. And there's nothing quite as painful as that purgatory. So let's say that I've learned something from past experience with such matters (cross your fingers for me) and know that it's best to just get my feelings out in the open, before I become too overly attached to the outcome.
It's time to ask them out. Now, this is also a tough situation. How is it best to ask someone out? Again, I'm sure there are many options, each with their own advocates. Generally I come up with some activity (a play or a symphony or something like that) and ask them if they'd like to attend it with me. Now, I understand that this can lead to some confusion on the part of the person I'm asking out. Am I asking them simply to hang out with me or am I asking them out on a date? I haven't quite figured out how to clarify it yet. Friends have told me that "you just know" what the intention is. I'm not so sure. This ambiguity can be either a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, it allows me to ask someone out while still having an "out" that I can slither through. Because normally, you can catch the mood of the response to see how the other person is viewing the question. And if that doesn't work, you can generally catch the mood on the evening you actually hang out together. Besides, I'd never be interested in dating someone that I wouldn't want to hang out with as a friend anyway. So... I ask them out.
Sometimes I get a direct answer. Most of the time I don't. But generally, I'm direct enough that the issue is now "on the table". It's up for discussion. I've put it out there. And...
Well, in this particular case, the answer came back that there's an interest in hanging out one on one, but only as friends. Not exactly the response I was looking for, but one that I can certainly live with. I'm happy that I was able to muster enough courage to ask the question. I'm also pleased that I was able to get a resolution before I became too fixated. But while I'm sure the person wouldn't want me to think that their response is in any way a condemnation of my worth as a person, a rejection is still a rejection. And I'm left with the residual fallout of that. The demons of self-doubt, until now shackled by hope, burst free and begin a rising chorus of "I told you so". Yup. Rejection sucks.
Monday, February 12, 2001
I've got to find a better way to channel and direct my anger. I've got a lot of it to channel. Sometimes it seems as though it's going to just keep eating away at me. It manifests itself in all sorts of odd ways, jealousy, self-righteousness, stress, and lack of sleep. Sometimes I can recognize the anger and step back from it for a moment and give it a good look. Usually when I'm able to do this the fury fades in the light of inspection. But often I'm too caught up in the grip of it to be able to distance myself from it. It's weird because I can almost always recognize that I'm angry or in a bad mood, but even though I recognize it, sometimes I'm unable to help it. It's all the more annoying because most of the time I can't figure out why I'm in the grip of the mood at all. Sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes it's insecurity, but often I have absolutely no idea. I'm just grumpy.
The best way I've found to deal with it is to first take a deep breath and attempt to step back from the emotionality of it for a moment. Like I said, sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't. It would be wonderful if I could have the discipline to meditate during such times. But normally I don't have such discipline. The next step, if I have the time, is to try and get to the gym. This worked wonderfully on Friday afternoon. It was one of those days when you just feel off. Like nobody loves you and the world's after your lunch money. I went to the gym and worked out until I got that weird nauseous feeling, do you know the feeling I mean? Anyway, I headed back to school and felt ever so much better. Mr. Walker [the gym teacher] said that I was grumpy because I had too many LDLs and when I worked out, I increased my HDLs. I think the LDL stands for Low Density Lipoproteins. HDL stands for High Density Lipoproteins. Go figure. LDLs bad, HDLs good!
A lot of the time my irritability and desire to give the whole world a fat lip is based on a frustration with myself. In fact, I'd say that's the case most of the time. Today was an excellent example. We didn't have school today; Mid-Winter Break. This weekend had passed entirely too quickly, and I was feeling as though I hadn't gotten much done. Today was going to be different. But it wasn't. I slept entirely too late, and never quite got myself moving. In fact, by the time I got to the gym, it was 3:00. Damn. I was angry at myself. So to get rid of that anger, I worked out as hard as I possibly could. This time it didn't work. Now I'm feeling angry and nauseated. Poop. I hope this hasn't sounded like a great big whine fest. I don't mean it as such. I'm just wondering if there's a better way to deal with this. Suggestions welcome.
Thursday, February 22nd, 2001
I was asked to attend an interfaith commemoration event for the new Miller Park baseball stadium here in Milwaukee. It seems that one of the driving forces behind the building of the new stadium is a guy named Frank Busalacci. He's a devout Roman Catholic, and we all know how much Catholics like to bless things. I was asked to attend as the representative for the Shambhala Center, where I'm an active member and part of the Council. When I first heard of the event, I was doubtful. I pictured it as a media event where leaders of different faiths end up aiding in the frenzy of publicity that's surrounding the place at the moment. A member of another Buddhist temple convinced me to reconsider. She told me that there would be no media involvement at all, and it was simply an event to commemorate all of the workers who had a hand in building the stadium, as well as remembering the five workers who lost their lives during the construction. (Four workers died in a crane accident, and a plumber died of a heart attack while on the jobsite.)
The commemoration event was today, and I must admit that I was very impressed. It would have been easy for them to cash in on the event, and get some free publicity, but there were no members of the media in attendance. It would have also been easy for them to ignore Milwaukee's broad cultural and religious diversity and simply have a Catholic perform a blessing. Instead, I was able to partake in a very touching ceremony that celebrated diversity and brought together people of many different faiths and backgrounds. The event was attended by about 50 people. There were representatives from all of Milwaukee's denominations in attendance. There were also representatives from each of the 25 local unions that had a hand in building the stadium. The ceremony took place behind home plate. A large candle was lit and each of the union representatives approached with a smaller candle. They lit their candles and placed them around the large central candle. A Native American drum circle then sang a song and an elder smudged the area with sage and sweetgrass. We were then all asked to rise and recite a Statement of Aspiration together. I was hesitant, but once again I was surprised. The Aspiration Statement was touching and wholly non-denominational. Here is an excerpt:
We gather together today impelled by visions of the harmony of all people.
We are children of different traditions, inheritors of shared wisdom and tragic misunderstandings, of proud hopes and humble successes.
Now is the time for us to meet, in memory and truth, in courage and trust, in love and promise.
I've got no problem with that. Reverend Weakland (the Archbishop of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Milwaukee) then said a few words in remembrance of the workers who died and also those who worked to build the stadium. After he spoke, a select few representatives from different religions came forward and shared wisdom from each of their traditions and texts. There were representatives from the Baha i, Buddhist, Greek Orthodox, United Methodist, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim and Unitarian traditions. I was impressed by each and every speaker. They were all well-prepared and well-spoken. They came from different religions, races and cultures, but they all shared a similar type of wisdom. They all had something profound to share about diversity and unity. The event ended with a Statement of Hope, once again read aloud by everyone gathered. We were then asked to join together for a short reception and tour of the new stadium. We all walked to the elevators together and I was able to enjoy the possibility of connecting with all of these people who had gathered for this event. I was a wonderful opportunity to reach out and talk to people that I probably wouldn't have contact with otherwise. And the occasion of being surrounded by a giant new stadium was enough of a conversation piece even for a person as socially inept as I am. So I'm standing there in a box overlooking left field sharing a conversation and wisdom with a Baha i, a Muslim, a Hindu and a Native American. It was wonderful. And it was clear that despite our differences, we had much more in common. And here's the thing. It just seemed so natural and easy. We all listened with interest when each of us talked. We learned from each other, if only for a short time. I know this is kind of corny and cliché, but it really made me wonder what keeps all of us apart. Yeah, it was a good day.
Just a quick thought about the stadium itself. It's HUGE. Simply enormous. It was mind numbing to simply think of the logistics involved in creating something of such a magnitude. Very impressive. I was told it is the largest construction project ever undertaken in the history of Wisconsin. And yet I couldn't stop thinking of the parallels to the Roman coliseum. As the Roman empire fell, games began to play a larger and larger role in Roman society. The citizenry reveled in the distractions provided by the games that became more and more elaborate and symbolic. It all seemed vaguely familiar as I looked out upon the new field with row after row of empty seats in the shadow of signs hawking beer and brats and a television screen that looked to be about two stories tall. Let the games begin.