Monday January 1, 2001
Happy New Year everyone. Welcome to a brand new year. I'm told that all things are relative. Even time. So I suppose I should take solace in the knowledge that today is simply a day like any other. It's completely arbitrary that today is the start of the new year. The Tibetan New Year doesn't start until February 24th. People have asked me if I've got any New Year's resolutions. Not wanting to fall into the hype and hoopla of the season the cynic in me forces a negative response. In wars of conscience between optimism and my cynical self, the cynic within me has a stellar winning streak going. But it's the optimist in me that always provides the tug at the back of my mind. It's that gentle tug that I often hope to discard as merely a nuisance that gets me moving towards what I'd like to consider a better me. Being a good Buddhist (which in itself is an oxymoron), I fully understand that there really is no better me. I am simply who I am. If I were an existentialist I suppose I would be who I presume others view me to be. Sociologists would be interested in my social and cultural grouping. I suppose all of these are true to some extent. But I know that there is no better me. I am merely a figment of my own ego-driven imagination. Just a soap bubble hanging on to the edge of the sink waiting to burst. This being the case, there's really no sense in making resolutions. First of all, the conception that I have of myself as being good or bad or healthy or sad is merely an intellectual construct, with no real meaning. Secondly, even if there was some independent concept of good or bad that I could come to understand, life itself is so fleeting as to make any attempt at aesthetic self-improvement essentially meaningless except in the most shallow ego-driven sense. But like I said before, there's this little tug at the back of my brain that says "yeah, yeah, I know all of that, but wouldn't it be nice if...". And it's this that keeps me trying to turn over a new leaf all the damn time. Sometimes I think that if I could only completely surrender to my cynical self I wouldn't have these complications. But I also feel that a complete and unconditional surrender by my weakened optimistic side would carry with it some rather dark implications that I do not yet fully understand. So on this arbitrary turning of the new year, I hereby resolve to compromise once again. I will work towards bettering myself and yet maintain a healthy sense of cynicism regarding any hope of achieving any result from my efforts. Damn. That sounds kind of pathetic.
Monday January 8, 2001
I haven't been able to fall asleep before 2 a.m. in over a week. I live basically right across the street from campus, so basically my apartment building is filled with college students. At the moment, all of these students are on semester break. This means that there are often parties happening in the apartments above me and below me. Every night I attempt to fall asleep while my room is filled with the repetitive thump thump thump of house music playing in the apartment below me. Nothing can block it out. It seems to reverberate from every corner of the room. The rhythm massages my feet as it shakes and rattles the floorboards. My earplugs are useless against the onslaught. I toss and turn in my bed as I come up with new and ever more violently creative ways to confront my unseen tormentors. But I've only gone down to ask them to turn down the music twice. It's frustrating that I'm the one that's made to feel awkward and imposing by going down and knocking on their door. I feel as though I'm the one doing something wrong. So I choose to endure the noise, hoping and praying that it will end and I will be able to fall asleep. I'm pinning my hopes on the fact that school starts up again in two weeks. Things should quiet down then. Cross your fingers for me.
Sunday January 14, 2001
Songs that stick in my head for days and days and days and days:
Candle in the Wind - Elton John (that Rocket Man song as well)
Safety Dance - Men Without Hats
Come On Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners?
Reign In Blood - Slayer (just that super heavy chugga-chugga part...)
Take On Me - A-Ha
That "Mmm Mmm Good" Campbell's Soup Commercial
The meow mix commercial (now that is TRULY annoying)
Any "power ballad" from the mid-80s.
And the winner of the "most annoying person of the week" award goes to... all the obnoxious know-it-all clerks at used cd shops. Congratulations.
Sunday, January 21, 2001
It's 3am, and I can't sleep. So, I guess it's technically Monday now, but I don't want to think about that. I had everything all planned out. I got everything done early, so I could get to bed and start the new semester fresh. I even crawled right into bed directly after my meditation. That was around 10:25. Then I tossed and turned. Tossed and turned. I don't know what it is. I haven't even had any caffeine since 6pm. I really did give this some thought. Perhaps too much. Maybe I've just got too much on my mind. But the thoughts that keep arising aren't deep or troubling or anything. I've thought about little things like "I should really use my rice cooker more often". I don't think there's some hidden traumatic episode that is keeping me awake. I haven't even really been thinking about school at all. The most likely explanation is that I simply got too much sleep last night, so my mind and body simply aren't ready to give in to sleep quite yet. So, I've decided to stay up. Yeah, I know, it's probably a bad idea, but I can't stand lying in bed anymore. It's really quite boring. And the more I'm left alone with my mind, the more likely it is that I'll actually find something to become depressed about. So, I'm cutting out that possibility entirely, and going straight for the all-nighter. I've got three hours to kill before I can begin my morning "gettin' ready for work" routine. Shouldn't be a problem. I just hope I don't droop too badly before sunrise. Here we goooo!!!
Tuesday, January 30, 2001
Being sick when you're single and all grown up sucks. When you're a kid you get to stay home from school and your mom takes care of you and everyone feels sorry for you. If you're seeing someone, at least you've got someone to have sympathy for you. But, at this moment it truly sucks and I'm not seeing any silver lining in this at all. I called in sick today. I haven't left the apartment at all. I've spent my day rolling around in bed, watching television and reading. I called school earlier and spoke to my principal. I realized that he didn't even know I was out. He thought I was calling from somewhere in the building. It's nice to be missed. Still, there's something reassuring about that. Simply the fact that I really have so much autonomy that my boss doesn't even know when I'm at work.